Sorry: 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus' is About the Actual Santa
An emotional Christmas essay.
There’s a line in the sand when it comes to “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”; there are those (more commonly) who think the Santa of the song is simply the child’s father cosplaying, and there are those (more accurately) who believe that it’s the actual Santa Clause who is giving this woman a stocking stuffer.
I choose to interpret the song at face value: this woman is getting railed by the Christmas deity of Western-Christian culture. And I am truly wearied of poor old Team Santa-Fuck here getting dragged by Team Boring in a series of seasonal posts and think-pieces that range from the smug to the sanctimonious. Those who say that the man is the dad dressed in Santa-cos speak of this claim as if it was a peer-reviewed scientific fact, and those who were my erstwhile allies fold like so much wrapping paper as they mewl “OMG, why did no one ever tell me it was the daaad??”.
All this - despite the fact that THE SONG OFFERS NO ACTUAL EVIDENCE THAT THIS MAN IS THE CHILD’S FATHER.
As I am virulently happy to Miracle on 34th this shit in defence of Christmas Magic™, the following essay has been earnestly and thoroughly researched, and the information contained therein is, to the best of my knowledge, entirely accurate. Except for the bit about Krampus, I made up the bit about Krampus. But the bit about the aliens is true.
Now, if it may please the court…
WHAT IS ‘I SAW MOMMY KISSING SANTA CLAUS ABOUT’?
The lyrics are from the perspective of a child who, unbeknownst to her mother, has snuck downstairs to witness her mommy underneath the mistletoe, kissing - and then tickling - Santa Claus. That’s it. That’s the song. The only mention of the child’s father comes in a line of the chorus that states: “what a laugh it would have been, if Daddy had only seen”. It is left unclear whether the child thinks her father would have found his wife’s betrayal funny (maybe her parents are poly and the presumed laugh is goodhearted?) - or if the laugh was to come from the child herself as she cruelly watched her father crumble under the weight of an unbidden Christmas cucking. Perhaps the child is a budding sadist who can only find mirth in the sight of her heartbroken father engaged in savage combat with a thirsty patron saint?
Typically, it’s the “if Daddy had only seen” line that the Dad crowd hangs onto, presuming that this is the big subtextual clue to the man being Daddy, which is conjecture at best. I ask you this: when has subtext ever been used to make something *less* illicit?
You are of course welcome to formulate any theory you like, but while you’re formulating...
NAME ONE OTHER SANTA SONG THAT IMPLIES THE NON-EXISTENCE OF SANTA
Every Christmas, me and the other good people of Team Santa-Fuck are treated like idiot children who need to grow up. Indeed, it feels like the first time I was told that Santa wasn’t real by the cooler (read: meaner) kids in the schoolyard. And while the Santa-Deniers may have been right about Santa not existing in our own cold and godless world, they have no place projecting their toxin onto the most sacred and magical of places: a goddamn Christmas song.
“Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” isn’t a song about some rando’s dad owning reindeer, it’s about the actual Santa exploiting animal labour.
“Santa Claus is Coming to Town” isn’t about a creepy dad coming to town, it’s about a creepy GOD coming to town. A creepy god named SANTA CLAUS.
“Santa Baby” isn’t about a woman with an Electra complex, it’s a song about Eartha Kitt offering to fuck the actual Santa in exchange for luxury goods. Why is it so inconceivable that there might be more than one song about someone wanting to fuck the actual Santa?
Do you honestly believe that it was the author’s intention to write a Christmas song - aimed at children, no less - where it’s implicitly implied that Santa isn’t real?? Is your heart so drained of joy and wonder??
I certainly concede that it’s unfitting for a kid’s Christmas song to detail an illicit affair with the actual Santa Claus, but it’s with greater conviction that I deem it inappropriate for a Christmas song to detail the trauma of a child walking in on the role-play of their neglectful parents. I ain’t kink-shaming, I’m just saying keep it away from the kids. I would remind you that the child is not even spying into their parents’ bedroom: the child has walked downstairs on Christmas Eve - the one night of the year a child would be expecting a visit from Santa - a sacred time where you would hope even the shittiest of parents would refrain from destroying their kid’s childhood with such careless depravity.
Any which way ya cut it, this song ain’t winning any purity rings.
WHO WROTE THIS FUCKEN THING ANYWAY?
The song was composed by Tommie Connor, whose other works include "The Little Boy that Santa Claus Forgot", "I'm Sending a Letter to Santa", and the often misinterpreted “I Saw Daddy Giving Krampus a Gobby”. Regrettably, Mr Connor has declined to respond to my emails, having died in 1993.
WHO SANG I SAW MOMMY KISSING SANTA CLAUS?
While the song has been covered by everyone from The Ronettes to Amy Winehouse, the first version to make a splash was the original 1952 recording by Jimmy Boyd, who sang it at the tender age of 13. Boyd’s rendition of the song was an instant hit, selling 2.5 million copies within weeks of its release. Jimmy Boyd owned horses; and as if that weren’t relatable enough, to commemorate the 3,000,000th sold copy of his record, Columbia Records presented Boyd with a silver saddle.
SO WHAT DOES JESUS THINK ABOUT ALL THIS?
When a piece of media is doing numbers like that, it’s only a matter of time before (dun, dun, dunnn) - Conservative Discourse. Upon analysing the song, the Roman Catholic Church - now pay attention, ‘cause this part’s important - BANNED THE SONG FOR BEING TOO SALACIOUS.
The ban was only lifted when young Jimmy Boyd met with the Archdiocese of Boston to explain that the song wasn’t about Mummy having an affair with Santa, but rather, Mummy kissing Daddy who happened to be dressed as Santa.
FUCK. EN. NARC.
I understand that the previous sentence does very little to help my case, but...
HEAR ME THE FUCK OUT
1. Jimmy Boyd didn’t write the song. He was a hired voice. I mean, Beatrix Potter’s Peter Rabbit books are rife with allegories about the struggles of the working class, but no one wants to hear what James Cordon thinks about it.
2. Jimmy Boyd told the church what they wanted to hear, so that he could go back to a life of silver saddles. In the olden days, condemnation from the church had greater impact; while a 69 year old scientist like Galileo might have mustered the moxie to stand up to the church when they asked him to recant his claims that the Earth moves around the Sun, it’s unlikely that a 13 year old session singer would ever stand up for Team Santa-Fuck. Would Galileo have also compromised his vales if silver saddles were on the table? We may never know.
3. Generally speaking, 13 year olds don’t know shit. When I was 13, I strongly believed that Independence Day was a film of unparalleled mastery that would eventually prompt the U.S government to spill the tea on what they know about real aliens, and now I only believe one of those things.
BUT CHRISTMAS IS ABOUT MAKING PEACE...
Not unlike Batman, bibles and pizza, people have varied and often contrasting ideas about what the ideal version of Santa is. To some, he’s a jolly old geezer shilling Coca-Cola, to others, he’s Tim Allen assisting the suicide of his predecessor. So in the interest of the Christmas spirit, I offer not only a truce between the Dadists and the Santanics, but a theory that I hope will appease and unite all parties and hopefully bring an end to this silly war. Dare I say… it might even make the Roman Catholic Church happy?
OK, here we go: Mommy is kissing the mythic being that is Santa Claus, but she is at once kissing the child’s father - for the father is Father Christmas. Santa is this child’s father. And before the church gets in a hissy about Santa having a secret family out of wedlock, let’s throw ‘em a bone and say that the Mommy in the picture is indeed the one and only Mrs Claus.
Ah, but what of the hotly disputed “if Daddy had only seen” line? Why would the child say this if they knew their father was Santa?
I can explain that - but you’d better limber up, ‘cause this is gonna be a bit of a stretch…
SANTA IS A GOD
You might have noted that I make fuck all bones about referring to Santa as a bona fide god. A god of benevolence, who possesses omniscience and a mastery over space-time. A pagan god of the harvest, whose seasonal boons we beseech with a traditional offering of milk & cookies (or if you live in Australia, a traditional offering of beer & racism). A blue blooded god at the height of his powers, standing in front of a red-blooded woman in need of some release during the stressful holiday season. One can imagine the primal, carnal desire that this couple shares for each other. They kiss, underneath the mistletoe; a potent symbol of fertility that predates Christianity. She tickles him underneath his beard - which is his throat, I guess? Yes. She tickles his throat. Hot. He tickles her back, in the spot they have affectionately nicknamed ‘Santa Claus Lane’, for ‘tis here that he comes.
Some scholars have posited that over time, the myth of Santa Clause absorbed vital elements of the Germanic god Wōdan, who was associated with the pagan midwinter event of Yule. You might know Wōdan better by his Norse name; Odin, the Allfather who sacrificed one eye to Mímir in exchange for divine wisdom. But not enough wisdom. While Odin is indeed sagacious and powerful, he is notoriously a very flawed god, prone to folly, anger, and arrogance. He is far from omniscience, and farther still from benevolence.
One might imagine Odin wanting to be a better god - wishing to make the world a better place for his family - willing to sacrifice his remaining eye in exchange for the omniscience and divine judgement a god would need in order to know when we’ve been bad or good.
And now the blind god prepares for his global journey on this, his night of nights. As the dank smell of wet reindeer fur hangs in the air, the blind god shares a sweet embrace with his beloved. It is a moment of love. A moment of tenderness. A moment that is witnessed by their demigod child from the stairwell. The child is so taken by this beautiful vision of family happiness, that for a moment, the child wishes their father could witness it with the eyes that he long ago lost to Mímir’s well.
But the moment passes, and the child knows, in their heart, that the father is beyond the need of traditional sight. Beyond the need of his eyes that he gave in exchange for divinity. The eyes he gave so that he might bring us Christmas.
Or maybe I’m wrong and the song’s just about shitty boring parents. Whichever your heart tells you is more festive.