These Are the Only Good Tarot Cards
The rest are trash.
Tarot is more mainstream than it’s ever been, and no longer confined to the niche realms of seminal 80s DC comics writers & your annoying ex who says they can commune with ghosts. A tarot reading is arguably the most popular form of modern divination: it’s safer than shaking a Magic 8-Ball, and it smells better (and requires less cleaning up) than reading chicken entrails.
People resonate with tarot because it’s less about divination and more about interpretation - a process that’s less about gleaning omens and more about prompting your inner-psyche. Tarot lets you choose your own adventure. That said, there are a lot of trash cards in any given deck, they’re mostly all trash, there are really only nine good ones. If you get one of the trash cards, keep drawing until you get one of these cool ones. Who’s going to stop you, the fucking tarot police?? I don’t think so. Alright, let’s go.
THE LION WORMING TABLET
Life, when left unattended, has a tendency to drag its horrid anus all over your nice new carpet. The Lion Worming Tablet means that you have the inner-strength to treat your inner-lion’s inner-bowel parasites, at least once every month.
THE THREESOME NO ONE’S REALLY INTO
It felt like a fun and sexy idea when you started but now no one is really that into it. The futon’s super uncomfortable, the host’s cat has taken a piss inside your open bag, and someone won’t shut up about being able to commune with ghosts. Bad vibes all ‘round.
THE SMALL BUSINESS OWNER
The Small Business Owner can symbolise both wealth and impoverishment, typically written up in a profit & loss statement each tax quarter. The Rider-Waite Small Business Owner card depicts someone who has definitely overestimated how many pentacle plates he’s going to be able to move at the arts & crafts market this weekend. While the very nature of tarot is all about differing interpretations, that is definitely not the case here, there’s no way that dude is gonna sell all of those pentacle plates.
THE LED ZEPPELIN IV
The Led Zeppelin IV card symbolises your potential to be innovative and strong, if a bit bloated towards the very end.
THE DRACULA
The Dracula card has crossed oceans of time to find you. Soldier, statesman, and alchemist, Dracula is a creature of the night and a lord of the damned. With a red light of triumph in his eyes, and with a smile that Judas in hell might be proud of, it seems Dracula has only ever been troubled by just one thing: when he opened his lid, he shook his fist, and said "Whatever happened to my Transylvania Twist?
THE LONG CORN COBS
An excellent source of the long fibre.
THE GREAT BEAST
Technically less of a tarot card and more of a Monsters in My Pocket collectible. Season 1, worth 25 points, this purple dragon is my white whale. It probably won’t show up in a tarot deck, but I dunno, hit me up if it does.
PINK DANIEL
Little is known about Pink Daniel, but everyone loves and fears him. Is there a Pink Daniel in your life? Yeah, you fuckin wish, pal.
THE REVERSE CARD
Pulling a Reverse Card means you get to tell your tarot cards what’s what. Yeah, that’s right, you now get to dictate the fate of your tarot deck! Not so high and fucking mighty now, are we, tarot deck?? No. Your fate is in my hands. It always was! The power was within me this entire time! It is I, and I alone, who controls your destiny. You might be delicately stacked and packed away inside a velvet pouch. You might be resold to a flea market psychic who smells of & patchouli & Peter Stuyvesants. Or, should my whim command it, you might be carelessly thrown inside an open bag that’s moments away from being pissed on by the host’s cat. Bad vibes all ‘round.