The Mum in Home Alone Deserves More

Ranking Kate McCallister's alternatives to her shitty husband.

Dec 21, 2023

A screen grab from Home Alone featuring Catherine O'Harra and John Heard playing Kate and Peter McCallister. They are looking at each other with mild concern in their eyes.

Kate McCallister is a good mother who’s only real flaw was that she left her 8 year child Kevin home alone to be burglar-murdered on Christmas.

Is that such a crime? Legally, yes, but what you have to consider is that Kate is effectively a burnt-out single parent, saddled with mothering three children, a houseful of in-laws, and the most unsupportive spouse this side of Henry VIII. Yes, I’m talking about this smug fuck, this Teddy Take-’er-Easy, this 6ft. lump of clag: Peter McCallister.

A screen-grab of the character Peter McCallister in Home Alone, as played by the actor John Heard. He is standing in a house and looking smug.

If the game of golf could take a human body, it would choose something with a bit more panache than this tall glass of pantry milk. He looks like he unwinds by doing LinkedIn surveys.

(Credit where it’s due, Peter is clearly a good provider. Make no mistake, Kevin is a nepo-baby; he lives in a big house filled with lots of paint-cans. I didn’t have nearly so many fancy paint cans when I was left home alone as a child; I had to keep our burglars at bay by pelting them with Winnie the Pooh wall decals.)

Peter displays zero interest in being a dad. While Kate shows immediate remorse for having left Kevin home alone™ and spends the rest of the movie trying to rectify it, the most emotion Peter can muster is mild irritation that his wife is getting herself in a tizzy over the kids while he’s trying to enjoy a holiday. I mean, granted, this film was made in a different era — and was written by the same guy who penned “Mr Mom”, a film that explored the heightened premise of “what if a man did housework?”— but I feel that even by 90s standards, Peter is a piece of shit.

The first we see of him, he’s scolding his wife because she’s not bought him an electric razor that’s compatible with European sockets. The last we see of him (and I don’t count the sequels as canon, fight me), he’s reunited with Kevin in a tender moment that has all the emotional weight of an awkward corporate retreat.

It looks like they’ve just discussed father-son bonding projections for the next tax quarter, and it ends with a shoulder tap that Peter doesn’t quite land.

So yeah. Fuck this guy. This family deserves better. Kate deserves better. As I’m ever-ready to compile a list that no one asked for, I have dutifully prepared a ranking of the 10 most eligible partners that Kate should instead consider in the bustling province of Winnetka, Illinois….

10. Harry Lyme

Harry in Home Alone (as played by Joe Pesci), dressed as a cop, his gold tooth shining

He’s a self-employed hustler with a cool gold tooth. That basically makes him a pirate. And pirates are cool. Sure, he did try to rob Kate’s house, and he did maybe sorta try to murder her son - but that’s still more attention than Peter has ever given Kevin.

9. Marv Murchins

Marv in Home Alone, as played by Daniel Stern. He is robbing a house, holding a phone while wearing snorkelling gear on his head

Same as above, but I’m ranking Marv higher ‘cause I think he’s got fun dad vibes. Marv is still very much a big kid himself, but I think he’d step up when he needed to.

8. Christmas Cop

A police woman sitting at her desk, wrapping presents while talking on a chorded phone which she holds between her shoulder and her ear. On the shelf behind her is a decorative Christmas tree and an award that reads "Young Citizen Award"

Christmas Cop is filled with Christmas cheer. Granted, she wasn’t much help in putting Kate through to someone who could ensure the safety of her child, but that’s only ‘cause she was focussed on wrapping gifts like a total champion. And if you look closely, you’ll note that she’s the proud winner of a Young Citizen Award.

7. Donut Cop

A screengrab from Home Alone. A man sits at a desk talking on a chorded phone while he takes a big bite out of a donut. The office is decorated for Christmas. A woman in a red dress potters around in the background.

The delightfully named Sgt. Balzak hasn’t got a lot going for him, but he does look a bit like renowned character actor Lance Hendrickson. Is Lance Hendrickson a handsome man? Not by conventional standards, no. Great actor, though. Kate should consider this.

6. Old Man Marley

Old Man Marley from Home Alone. He is an old man with a white beard.

It’d be a winter-spring romance, to be sure, but Old Man Marley is great with kids, and he rocks a snow-shovel like no one’s business. Plus he already lives nearby, and short-distance relationships are statistically more likely to work out in the long run. Which bodes very well for…

5. The Basement Furnace

A screen grab from Home Alone featuring a fiery furnace in the middle of a cluttered basement.

Unlike Peter, the Basement Furnace is capable of warmth. And it loves to laugh. And what a laugh! Perhaps it’s all in Kevin’s head, or perhaps, as I choose to belief, it a genius loci, a house spirit that has chosen to protect the residents of this house, as evidenced by an 8 year old’s miraculous victory over two adult career criminals.

4. Sally at the Checkout

A screen grab of Sally at the Check Out from Home Alone.

Sally at the Checkout is the cashier with nice 90s hair who gives Kevin the third degree when the poor kid’s just trying to buy some groceries. Which, honestly, does make her seem overly suspicious… I mean, my parents used to send me over to the shops all the time when they needed more bread or wall decals, it’s normal. But if Sally can restrain from brining that paranoia into a relationship, I think she’d be a great partner for Kate. ‘Cause let’s face it, she’s the only adult in this town who actually gives a damn about this poor kid’s welfare.

3. The Couple at the Airport

A screen grab from Home Alone featuring the old couple at the airport

Oh, don’t tell me you didn’t sense a bit of a spark when Kate tried to hustle these two at the airport. Again, it would be a bit of a May-December-December romance, but these three could still have some fun. Dangly fun.

2. Party Santa

In the briefest of exchanges, this low-rent mall-Santa goes to great effort to keep Kevin’s Christmas spirit lit, going to far greater effort than Peter could ever muster. Speaking of lit, this mall-Santa knows how to fuckin’ par-taaaay.

1. Gus Polinski, Polka King of the Midwest

Screen grab from Home Alone featuring Catherine O'Harra, John Candy and a clarinet in the back of a van

The man. The legend. Our once and future Polka King. Gus has a heart the size of Chicago, has sold 623 copies of his polka album in Sheboygan, and very clearly has a lot of affection for Kate. Surely you knew this was #1. You knew in your heart. Just as Kate knows in hers. And when she’s finally ready to leave Peter, the title of Polka Queen is but hers to take.

If you enjoyed this inarguably correct Christmas pop-culture essay, you may wish to read about how “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus' is About the Actual Santa”. ‘Cause it is. Yes, it fucking is. You can also subscribe, if you want, IDC, I do like, two of these a year.

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